When I say that I am a suicide survivor, I don’t mean that I made an attempt on my own life. The fallout and grief of losing a loved one to suicide is intense, painful, and a journey of healing in itself. And it is a long, hard road to recovery. Anyone who has experienced grief will tell you that it never goes away. Instead, it becomes a part of you that you learn to live with and eventually learn from.

Thirteen years ago, I lost my dad to suicide. It came out of the blue. The strong, successful, and seemingly ‘together’ man I loved deeply put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. And nothing was ever the same.

But why?

Suicide is an exponential tragedy that doesn’t only involve the incomprehensible, unnecessary death of someone. Those left behind are left to come to terms with the sudden loss of a loved one and also have to manage their questions and inevitable guilt. Why didn’t I see it coming? How could I have prevented it? Did I not matter enough to live for? These questions haunted me for many years, and it has taken multiple grief counselling sessions to keep them at bay.

But the guilt and questions are futile. I have learned that suicide is a complicated matter and is not necessarily a result of someone not wanting to live. Instead, they no longer want to live the life they have. And their intense emotional distress makes them unable to see alternative solutions.

Our survival instinct is one of our most primal, which makes suicide seem like a paradox. It certainly isn’t the easy way out to overcome our natural sense of self-preservation. Those who attempt or commit suicide are often labelled as cowards for not considering its impact on loved ones. (in fact, my dad was ironically one of those who viewed suicide as a cop-out) But very often, they believe that they are such an incredible burden on their loved ones that it is the only way they can protect them.

Suicide is rampant, and it is preventable. According to the South African Depression and Anxiety Group, there are 23 known cases of suicide every day. For every person who commits suicide, ten have attempted it. Before the pandemic, they fielded around 600 calls a day. However, as of September 2021, that number skyrocketed to 2,200 calls per day – an alarming 40% increase.

Interestingly, it’s more common for women to be diagnosed with depression than men, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that women suffer from depression more than men. In fact, the sad reality is that men often don’t talk about their mental health struggles or seek help. And while men successfully commit suicide 3.6 times more often than women, women are 1,4 times more likely to attempt it.

But there is hope. By being aware of these issues and talking openly about mental health, we can help reduce the stigma surrounding it and encourage people to seek the help they need. Remember, it’s okay to not be okay, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

So, what can be done?

Suicidal thoughts or actions are not a normal stress response and should not be dismissed. If someone is displaying warning signs, getting help is crucial. To support those expressing suicidal thoughts or tendencies, it is essential that they are not ignored and that you understand the myths surrounding suicide.

Five Myths About Suicide

Myth: Talking about suicide is attention-seeking. Those who talk about it won’t do it.

Very often, talking about suicide is a cry for help and should not be taken lightly. Unfortunately, the attention they are seeking is the attention that could ultimately prevent them from following through. Ignoring it could have devastating consequences.

Myth: Only those who are severely and obviously depressed commit suicide.

Depression is different from mood fluctuations or the normal short-term response to challenges in daily life. It is a mental disorder, and although it can contribute to suicide, it is not the only factor that leads to it. Suicide is often a result of a sequence of distressing or catastrophic events that someone feels unable to cope with. They do not necessarily suffer from clinical depression.

Also, many times, people who appear happy and successful are fighting an internal battle that no one is aware of. This becomes apparent when we hear of shocking, unexpected celebrity suicides.

Myth: There is no stopping someone who decides to commit suicide

Suicide is preventable but requires buy-in from all levels of society – the individual, the family, and the community. No one is incapable of helping prevent suicide. Education and awareness campaigns can help people know the warning signs and promote prevention and resilience.

A suicidal episode is usually short-lived, and immediate assistance can avert tragedy. However, counseling or support will still be needed once this crisis point has passed.

Myth: Most suicides come out of the blue without warning.

This is neither true nor untrue. It is unique to each case. But there are warning signs that may indicate that suicide is imminent. When someone feels that a suicide came unexpectedly, they could have misread subtle signs. Sometimes, those in a suicidal frame of mind may not always be explicit, as they feel they will be judged.

It is essential to learn and understand the warning signs associated with suicide.

Myth: If you talk about suicide, you are planting an idea in someone’s mind.

Suicide is often a taboo topic. Those who feel suicidal don’t want to cause worry or fear and don’t discuss it. However, bringing it up openly may be precisely what they need to hear to feel that they can open up. And the more they talk, the more apparent it may become that support and alternative options are

Mental health awareness is more essential than it has ever been. And not just for those who struggle – their families and loved ones need to be empowered. Talking about suicide, mental health struggles, and difficulty navigating life can normalize it enough for someone to realize that they are not alone.

Finding Peace in the Storm

Losing someone to suicide is a devastating experience that can leave you feeling lost and alone. While traditional grief support can be helpful, many need more specific counseling to navigate the complex emotions that come with this type of loss. That’s where support groups specifically designed for those bereaved by suicide can be a lifeline, offering invaluable comfort and connection.

No two people’s grieving processes are the same. Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. So don’t compare yourself to others or feel pressure to conform to a certain standard of mourning.

Grief is a wild and unpredictable beast that can come crashing over you in waves. It’s a journey that can be long and arduous, with many twists and turns along the way. But, unfortunately, when it comes to suicide, those emotions can be even more intense and overwhelming.

Remember, even though the weight of your loss will always be a part of you, there is still hope for healing and light. You don’t have to face this road alone.

My dad’s life was so much more than his final moments. I owe it to him to make sure his legacy extends beyond his suicide, so I cherish the beautiful aspects of his life and our relationship. I speak his name often and keep his memory alive by sharing stories and photos with my son, who was only six at the time of my dad’s death. He is now 19, and I know his grandpa would have been so proud of him.